Tuesday, August 27, 2013

$$$$

If it weren't for the people who purchased Rhythm and Poetry and the prize money I won from battling, I have NO idea what the fuck I'd be doing for money. Hip-Hop is the only reason I'm surviving.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Fuck.

It's hard for me to let the general population into my brain, but anything is better than keeping it to myself. I'm sitting in my room and just finished an anything but nutritious "meal". Lately I've been eating one meal a day and it's usually a pretty shitty one. It's all I can really afford. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm stressed out.

My step dad has been such an influential figure in my life. He's half the reason Earthworm exists. If it weren't for him believing in me, helping me, and encouraging me to go against the grain ... I would have never accomplished the things I did this year. Shit, this year wouldn't even have happened. 

Mike, (my step dad) was in a four wheeler accident last month. He really did a number on himself. I know that he wouldn't want me to stumble on his account, but it's just impossible. I can't shake it. I think about it every day. Every little thing reminds me of him.

The human who made my dream possible is in a coma.

Daycare

When I was a 5 years old, I attended this daycare academy called La Petite. Once while playing on the playground, I sneezed. Snot flew everywhere and it was just hanging from my face. The bathroom was pretty far away. I had to run from the playground and through the playroom to wipe my nose. Apparently lots of people had seen the snot hanging off my face. That's when this group of girls started calling me Booger Boy. The name spread like fire. It got to the point where nobody even wanted to be within five feet of me because they thought my sinus problem was contagious. It was so bad that even the teacher, Mrs. Melissa was calling me Booger Boy. For half a year I just took the abuse. I never told my parents. I played alone everyday. Eventually my mom started noticing that I didn't want to leave her arms in the mornings and asked me if everything was okay. I told her the story and she tore that place apart.

Melissa got fired and they offered my mom a few months free, but she put me in a new daycare instead. When I arrived to the new daycare, I was determined to be accepted. I was extremely conscious of peoples perceptions of me. I would spend 15 minutes in front of the mirror at age five just making sure I looked okay and that there were no boogers in my nose.

I feel like that experience shaped me. I never wanted to be Booger Boy again. I wanted to be the coolest kid ever from that day forward. In kindergarten I went above and beyond to always say something funny and ended up receiving the "Class Clown" award at the end of the year. By fourth grade I was telling the most ridiculous stories at lunch. I just remember talking about this video game and how I'd learned a secret cheat where you could fly out to this island. All the other kids would listen so intently. It made me feel important even though I knew I was lying. I didn't care.

That part of me still hasn't died. There's a little Ferrell in my soul that's terrified of public rejection. Who double checks for boogers before he leaves the house. Who will embellish just to get a rise out of the crowd. It's something I've recently become conscious of. I'm now realizing it's okay to just be myself. The older I get, the more I see it. I might not be the most attractive person, I might not be the most intelligent, but god dammit - I'm a human being. I've got a story that's worth listening to and I don't have to embellish. Someone out there is going to love me for me. Hopefully my fans will too. I'm just a regular dude with problems and experiences like everyone else. Love me or hate me, I'm done dancing through a house of smoke.

listen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwXh8h5jivg